Annually since my accident on Halloween in 2010 I’ve posted an update here. It’s a way for me to update the people who support me year after year and also a way to check in with myself. This year I felt like I had nothing to give so it has taken me a while to post here.
With the grief of my aunt’s passing still weighing heavily on me from June 22, 2022, my brother passed away this year on June 16, 2023.
I’ve been torn between wanting to honor him for the amazing person he was, and also wanting to acknowledge the struggle with addiction that he had been battling. He would brush me off and get upset when I would talk to him about his depression and addiction, and this has made me not want to talk about it, because I didn't want to upset him, but if we never talk about it nothing is going to change. I’m sorry brother, but I feel like I need to say something.
His story is one that we are hearing far too often. The isolation and chaos of the pandemic in 2020 really put Alex into a dark place. He had since been trying to get himself out of that place. He had been doing really well the prior six months, and doing all the right things to get his life moving forward again. He changed up his living situation and realized he needed to be less isolated, he had been staying active with his men’s soccer team, backpacking and training to run in my Relay for Rachael fundraiser. He was getting out and being more social and trying to surround himself with the right people.
The last time I saw him was two weeks before he passed away, he asked if I wanted to go down to a Big Sur softball game, a league he had played in. We had a nice drive down the coast and talked about the future, he sounded good and optimistic. Honestly, the last few years our relationship had been rocky. During the pandemic he was alone too much sitting with his own thoughts, and I had not been reaching out enough because I was caught up in my own life, dealing with Covid and caregivers, etc. I think Alex, like a lot of people was good at hiding how bad it really was. And then fentanyl came into the picture and that changed everything, a drug that is more addicting and more lethal than ever before.
Alex was smart beyond his years, creative, athletic, funny, talented in music and the arts. He had a love for animals and the outdoors. He could be tough, but soft. He supported me in my photography, and my rehab, he would come cook me delicious meals, his risotto was the best. We had a beautiful memorial in September celebrating his life. Connecting with his friends has been one of the most healing things. I may have lost a brother, but I feel that I have gained brothers and sisters. I’ve yet to use an emoji since the day he passed, grief does strange things, but I do see a path foward. My brother made me a better person and not having him by my side is another lost in my life that I will have to learn to live with.
Dealing with grief the last couple years has made me realize how much I was grieving after my accident over the loss of my able-bodied life. And now at 13 years my so-called “crashiversary” doesn’t seem as significant anymore. I now spend the anniversary of my car accident setting up an altar for Dia de los Muertos, honoring my ancestors who made me who I am, and who continue to guide me daily.
I look forward to 2024 with hope, it can’t keep going like this. After a year of feeling like I was struggling for survival every day between life crap and the struggles with finding and keeping caregivers, something has to give. I lost three caregivers this year unexpectedly, with no notice due to personal or health reasons. One of whom had been with me for six years. Because of these daily struggles i’ve had no time to focus on my photography or the gallery, or any free time in general. Already as it is living with a spinal cord injury you have very little free time. Everything takes forever. I feel like a lot of people think I just sit around and have all the time in the world which is the exact opposite of my reality. My main focus is on the necessities: eating, sleeping, bathing and getting the movement in my body that I need to stay healthy. Just these things are a full-time job. And when I am constantly dealing with new caregivers, everything takes that much longer. So I keep reminding myself to be patient and to be gentle on myself, and this too shall pass.
A huge positive this year, and the thing I am most grateful for is for my annual relay for Rachael fundraiser. This year we raised more money than ever. This keeps my life moving forward, every penny raised goes into the pockets of the people that get me up in the morning and put me to bed at night. With inflation and the cost of living going up, I am having to pay more to find the help I need. Constantly, every day I’m doing the math in my head, do I have the money to pay the people who are helping me. I am so grateful to those of you who support me year after year, words can’t express the gratitude I have for each and everyone of you.
